This is what I do.

 I have this uncontrollable feeling to burrow down like a little gopher, or oversized hobbit, never to emerge or socialize. Perhaps living alone and having a lot of personal free time has turned me towards the dark side. 

Ironic that I work 70+ hour weeks and feel like I have more free time then I have ever had?

I'm okay with that.

I am plagued with insomnia and the uncontrollable desire to take long hot baths. I would rather spend and hour putting makeup on, messing with colors and techniques while chatting with friends back home, then try and sit in some random bar and socialize, or try and make it to the last 20 minutes of FHE.

When I am proud of my work, I will put on some role that this makeup has created and selfie it up.

 Like this:

I am not ashamed. Job well done, self.

Some people Crochet, I paint..myself. I wish I was brave enough to post my failed makeup attempts. Really I take pictures when I have done a good job because its like my 8th attempt at eyeliner and they finally match. I look towards the heavens with a sore twisted neck and blurred vision and shout my victories. Then I think to myself, 

"I better document this shiz."

Then somewhere along the way my mind wanders to some random place, imagining when I would ever wear this makeup in real life, and appropriately my facial expressions interpret my imagination. 

I need to stop posting this crap on Facebook and insta. People are going to think I'm full of myself.  Well I'm full of makeup that's for sure.

Maybe I'll be a makeup artist one day.

Keeping myself occupied to avoid the homesickness is a hard task in the evenings. I can only workout for so long. I know I could always move home, but I don't feel like its time. I always know when its time for a change and I still think I am in Chicago for a reason. If I still have no idea what that reason is then I guess it's not time for me to go home yet. The job perks aren't 

all that easy to give up either...

Hopefully I will return to my obnoxious party girl self once I finally do move home. Or perhaps I am really this boring and lame. I am almost 25 and I peaked way to soon.. 

There is this enigma of a person in my life right now. Too much of him is confusing me. No this is not a romantic person. He wishes.

It seems like I attract these type of men. Insecure, lost boys that need to be herded back to the flock. I dislike playing good shepherd, mommy, or therapist, unless its by my own choosing. No no Male, having an in depth conversation about life and all your woe's will not magically change my mind into seeing you in a whole new light. I said no, and that will never change. 

I'm a really straightforward girl. If I don't want to go out with a male suitor I will just say NO. Just say NO ladies. Its honest, to the point, not beat around the bushy, direct, and cannot be convoluted. But usually what happens lately, is that I will say no, and said male always wants to know why, and a simple "Because I'm not interested" Isn't enough. Its like, they won't let it go unless I insult them. You want me to point out your flaws? You want me to tell you what's wrong with you? I don't even know you!

(Facepalm)

"What is it? Was I too strong? Am I fat? Is it because I'm black? Are you a lesbian? Its because I'm shorter than you, isn't it?"

Obviously I would rather not point out any negative gender or personality traits that said male may or may not have. I would rather not say anything at all. Every time someone asks me for a reason I am not attracted or interested in them I hear a faint, high pitched, shrill voice in the back of my head chanting over and over and over again, "If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all."

Good advice. Why can't we all just follow that?

I do not see how telling you what your flaws are, is my problem? If you don't know what your flaws are then get your shit together, figure it out, adjust, reassess, and try again on some other girl. Preferably one that is shorter than you. I am a firm believer in not playing the field if you don't know who you are, don't know what you believe in, or who you want to become, or if you aren't the best person that you can be. Usually when people date and they aren't "Together", it usually doesn't work out.

At least in my experience.

The other dilemma, I guess I could say, that I am having right now is, that I now have rejected these "men", for lack of a better word, and they want to be "Friends." Well, yes you can never have to many friends. But there is a friend, and then there  is a friend. This is the exact example of why there are those who believe that boys and girls can never just be friends. I used to disagree. I have several really great guy friends. I have not been romantically involved with any of them nor do I plan on it. But recently I am reconsidering my position on the whole opposite sex friendships. At least while I'm in Chicago.

I'm not going to be a douche, and say, "No...guy. I will not be your facebook friend. I will not be friendly towards you." No no. That is not how nice people behave. I like to say that I give people the benefit of the doubt, but in recent events I am finding out that being someones friend who has asked me out, and I have rejected, to be a VERY bad idea. 

Furthermore, I am proving to these men that I am exactly the person that they though I would be. Just another girl that rejects them. So then I feel guilty, try to pretend or make up for the fact that I am a typical man rejector, which leads me to be extra friendly to them, friend them on facebook, strike up meaningless conversations with them, pretend to be a great friend, when all the while I just want to go out with Ryan Gosling. Where the heck were you Ryan? 

I dislike being a Cliché. I hate saying no to people. But I've been in enough relationships to know what I'm looking for, and I'm willing to wait for it. Why can't all of the guys in my circle who I actually want to ask me out, step up to the plate? I NEVER get asked out by those men. Its so aggravating. But, I am perfectly fine with waiting. I have no problem doing my own thing until there is a handsome mountain man to whisk me away into the forest. I can hold out. Because I know it will be worth it. Meanwhile I will just sit here, with all my FB messages, chatting up a storm with BOderant A and Homeschooled B.

again..(Facepalm)

Friday night comes, its 6:30 pm and the only thing I am thinking about is sleep. Actually the only thing I ever think about is sleep. The siblings always make fun of my mom for her self designated nap before bed at 7 pm. But I get it; I truly understand what she is doing.

I sit on my bed and feel the stress of the week melt off of me onto my sheets, that I immediately wish I had washed the day before, so I could sleep in a heavenly place that is washed free of all the remaining remnants of the last 5 days.

 My sometimes friday night date with coconut bubble bath and Netflix TV reruns is just the beginning layers of the weekend to come, and I usually take twice as long thinking about the joy that comes from not having to arise at 6 am the next morning.

Ironically I wake up at 6 am anyway, not out of habit, but simply out of lack of ear plugs.

Even worse, as I lay in bed at 9pm, ready for slumber and dreams of fantasy boyfriends, I can't keep my self from searching the web aimlessly. Searching for something. Clothes, news, puppy videos, facebook, facebook again because I forgot that I was already on Facebook. Damn you Facebook, you truly are the beast.

My list of wants and needs for the following two days fills my mind instead of the desired silence, as I lay in my bed that I have checked under twice. For monsters first, then rouge spiders.

My body protests, twitching and throbbing in wacky places, yelling at me for all the crap I fed it and work I made it do.

After two hours of attempts at sheep counting, I remember that my prayers were not said, obviously keeping me from settling down. I begin my thanks and asks, and drift mindlessly mid prayer onto thoughts of my family, who as I ask to protect I worry about, miss, cry for, and long to be with.

As my conversation ends, I feel my body settle down, my mind turn its light out, drink its glass of water, and retreat into its own world. A world that is often more exciting than my own. So I stay there, for 12 long wonderful hours.

Neil Young

From age 13 to about 20, give or take, I would listen to Neil young through the floor boards of my living room on saturday mornings as my brother cleaned his room. Rarely I would get the occasional Metallica remedies instead, but when Neil Young was on, I knew my brother was in some mood, and he felt like the soulful sounds of an acoustic genius.

I have an ear for Acoustic music especially because I play the Guitar. Lately I have made it a goal to learn one new song per week. I have kept that goal for the most part. But now the only problem is that I haven't been writing down what songs I have learned, so I pretty much just listen to my ipod, or the radio, and If I have learned the song I'm like, "Oh yeah! I can play this!". This is not the best method for song memory, so I hope that by blogging about my music finds and loves that I won't forget about them! 

I got into my most recent Neil Young kick after I watched the few hilarious parodies from Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Oh my heck does he pull of a good Neil Young!

Pretty much ever since this:

Also this Gem:

Nobody can quite top that I don't think. Nobody.

I have made it a goal to learn as many Neil Young songs as I can. I realize that I listen to a lot of folk music, and I need to get some stories down from my childhood and write a Neil Young Parody about it.

Anyway, this is my current favorite song of Neil Young, which I poorly play Here:

Ah Love me some Neil Young.

crap happy? Crappy.

Lately I have been feeling pretty crappy, and by crappy I mean TERRIBLE. I don't know what is going on but I am not myself these days.

When I made the move to Chi town I decided that I wasn't going to move home until I had achieved a list of goals that I had made.

1. Get out of debt (Check)

2. Save money for school. (Check)

3. Revamp my style. (check and Check)

4. Figure out my spiritual ish. (Checkaroo)

5. Better myself in all possible ways independently and as a single adult living away from home (well on my way to a check.)

6. Lose weight, change eating habits and become healthy. (uh...sort of?)

Just over one year later, I have lost 24 lbs. Pretty great for solely changing my diet habits and very minimal exercise. I feel like I should be taking advantage of my situation more than I already have. I live with a family where money and healthy food are plentiful and I can pretty much have whatever it is that my heart (and stomach) desires. At first, my thoughts were, "YES. Fine dining and oreos and snack food and lunchables and chips and soda and insert any and every childhood deprived junk food possible all the time..". 

Then I met Natalia and she is the healthiest person on the planet. I honestly think that I was meant to learn from her in more ways than one. She has taught me a lot about eating clean and staying physically fit. Just by being around her, which at first was right after she had a baby so she was in mega tone up mode, she has motivated me to achieve that rocking body that I know is underneath all of my muffin tops.

So, I took advantage of strollers and good walking shoes. I walked everywhere, lessened my junk food/fast food and soda intake, and became friends with Healthy Choice and Lean Cuisine. That alone changed my body a lot. I am tall, so when I lose weight it isn't always THAT noticeable but I felt better, could see the slight changes in my body, and became all excited to continue on.

Then I kind of Plateaued.

I kept going on all of these vacations with the family, which meant going to all of the finest restaurants wherever we went. You indulge when you have the opportunity to eat $70 a plate food with a family that is saying, "Get the Fillet Minion! But don't eat too much, we are getting every dessert!". Then, once winter hit I was eating all of the most excellent Bolognese in all the fine italian restaurants in different countries, cities and even at my own home where Natalia actually taught me how to make authentic Italian cuisine. Sum that up and winter pretty much kicked my butt. I did however hold my weight, so I guess I didn't do too bad.

This spring I decided to kick up the exercise about %100 and lose the rest of this weight. My ideal weight is 140 lbs. For me that would be thin. But not too thin. I currently weight 183 ish. that fluctuates every day though so I would guess about 180. I started running, doing Ab Challenges in the mornings, enter: Trapeze, and I cut my calories down to around 1500. I did this routine solid for about two months, and I started feeling great. I could see a difference and knew that I was in the home stretch. Summer bikini Here I come. Or...not?

about 3 weeks ago which was two months after I began this diet and exercise routine, my side and back hip started hurting. It wasn't too painful but it was enough to make me notice it. I really believe that I have a high pain threshold so I am really uncertain how bad the pain really was. Sometimes I would think it was pretty annoying, and sometimes it wasn't there at all. As the week progressed the pain got a little stronger, a little longer, and now we are in week three and its always there. I have had lower back/hip pain before and am seeing a NUCA Chiropractor while in Chicago because my neck is chronically out of wack. So, at first I assumed it was just back pain. I ruled out appendix, and UTI because my body is function properly in all ways except for the random side pain, a mega dose of 14 year old style cystic acne that just came out of nowhere, and I'm super tired all the time. The pain is Usually more noticeable at night when I am trying to sleep so I have become more of an insomniac than I already was.

I am 90% sure I have an ovarian Cyst (Sorry boy readers...if there even are any). Its on my right side, all of the symptoms fit, and if its not that then it's something that is similar to my girlie organs. AWESOME. I felt like I was blessed when it came to the horrible parts of being a girl. I spent my whole life with almost no symptoms of anything really. But as I am now almost 25, and eating differently, and no longer taking teenage acne medication I think my body just decided to have me play catch up. 

The biggest issue about my current health status is that I am in Chicago, while my health insurance is based out of Utah. Getting healthcare paid for here is a huge loophole that I have to go through like 6 different times in order to get my insurance to cover it. I could pay for it up front, but considering I am probably going to need the full check up that rakes in to be around $2000. No thanks. I think I will just wait until I go home for a visit. Luckily that is in just two short weeks. If my symptoms worsen further I will take action and go somewhere here, but if it IS a cyst then they don't really do much for those anyway and I should be just fine.

Meanwhile I have decided that I need to detox my body, go full force into eating as healthy as possible and take full advantage that I can eat as many organic whole foods products as possible, take vitamins and minerals and do all sorts of things that will hopefully help me balance my hormones naturally. What is even worse than my side pain is the fact that my chin and jawline look so so bad. My skin is just freaking out and I have a slight suspicion that all of the recent changes that I have been making, along with the potential health woe are all just reeking havoc on my skin. Hopefully if I can keep up the good work, I will see things start to get a little better, but I won't know what plans I need to make or how long it is going to take to feel better until I see a doctor when I come home. 

I could use some prayers friends. I am positive that whatever is ailing me is no biggie but seeing as to my recent family medical issues I am always afraid of the worst possible outcome.