Saturday, May 29, 2010

Music Theory on a Fun Bus

A picture:


A smelly bus.

Smelly old men.

Coughing, farting, sneezing, among others.

Mass amounts of musky perfume and cigarette smoke.

Old seat cushions and confined seating space.

Dirty floors with broken glass.

A hint of bathroom odor.

Stuffy and cold.

Long ride.

A song appears:


Calm, quiet.


Engine Humming.

Blue floor night lighting.

The sound of a tired old man dreaming of winning big money.

The sparkling glass shimmers on the ground glittering up the bus.

Realization of good company and a common goal.

Scenic views and moonlight.

Flowing moving motion.



Sunday, May 16, 2010

Midnight Ramblings...

Here are the recent happenings of my life:

about 6 hours ago I finished competing for yet again, another Miss Orem Competition. The night was amazing, the girls were beautiful and also amazing, and everything was perfect. I could not have asked for anything else to go so well. What a great day. Three months I prepared for that pageant, struggling, succeeding, laughing, and it was totally and completely worth it. Did I win? no, I knew I wouldn't now that I think about it. Did I think I would place? Hell yes I that respect I felt a little cheated but then maybe it was meant to be. I'm sure the wonderful ladies that placed were meant to have those experiences to grow from. There lives will be changed and bettered from the Miss Orem program and that is all anyone could ask for right? But, something still doesn't sit right this time. I feel dooped. Now I'm not one to brag (I think, if I do I'm sorry its unintentional) but when I'm on I'm on. ya know? if I'm going to do something that I know I can rock at, I will. I rocked tonight! I did my best and I know for a fact that I should have placed.

Well, now that my venting is out of the way let me tell you about the night! We had 16 wonderful girls, all looking fabulous and all doing So well with interviews earlier that we had the best spirits up! The lamest part of the night was the opening number due to poor sound work but its cool, I'm over it. Little did I know that the one girl that was waiting in the shadows just chillin by herself was the one that would take it all. Never underestimate the underdog. I don't even think I have had a legit conversation with Bridget until two nights before the pageant. Thats why i feel dooped. If your going to be the winner of the pageant, in my opinion, you should be the one that is full hearted in it! the one that does the hardest, stays the longest, gets to know everyone and makes herself known. I didn't even know she was running or who she was until halfway through the preparations. I hope that she is in it to win it. I don't know her very well but I'm sure that she will do a great job. I just wish that I could have seen that before hand.

Now that all is over what to do next? Run again? Not run again? I dunno...I don't think running and losing would be the most exciting part of my sucks to completely feel like a winner only to be shot down. I know I'm a winner inside and I don't need anyone to give me a pretty tiara to tell me that I do. My niece was in the audience today and the look in her eyes when she saw me after the pageant was enough to make the whole thing worth it. In the end I guess that's what the whole program is all about right? making a difference in someones life? My little niece needs all the role models that she can get in her struggling little lifestyle and family. I hope I can be the kind of role model for her that makes her choose to be the difference, and not the norm.

One thing however has been the most impacting out of this whole experience, I have truly amazing and supportive friends and family. I don't think they realize how much it means to me that they came to support me and cheer me on! I love them all and I am so glad to have them all as great examples. :)

Sunday, May 9, 2010


I once heard awhile back that sometimes, its the smallest decisions that can change your life forever. Looking back, I think my life's decisions have not only been key to who I have become today, but they were pre made in order for me to get to the point I'm at now. for instance, If I had never been engaged to be married, I wouldn't have the knowledge that I have now to wait a bit...and just get my stuff together before I even think about adding another person into my life. Not to mention the fact that being engaged is probably they key factor that made me come back to the church. I found myself once all was said and done with that devastating bump. I know who I am, I know what I have done and what I have to do to be better, and I know what I have to do to get there. Now, I just have to move forward. Was that the plan all along? Was I destined to make that decision? or was it just a coincidence that happened to live with a guy out of wedlock like it was no biggie, angry at the world and only thinking about how madly in love I was. I think not.

However, the more I think about what I have done, makes me think about what to do next. What if that one small decision to go to a dance or a party leads me to meeting someone else that could lead me down the path of destruction? or what if I actually decide to move to Arizona suddenly sparking an old interest to be a veterinarian and I turn out to be some farmers wife working as a horse-vet in order to keep up the farm. I could happen. It makes me giddy and excited to try and think of what happens next in my life. I could be anything, do anything, have anything. But I am. Stuck in this City, too scared to get a different job because I'm afraid of what I would lose, what I would leave behind. Life IS change, therefore I need to choose to grow from it, but if I do I don't want to leave behind everything...just some stuff (ahem guys).

Needless to say it is necessary at this point. I have failed a third time to get into school due to my naivete and my lack of ca hones so to speak. I know I SHOULD be in school but I don't want to meet new people, or go to different parties. But then again maybe my situation of monotone friend hang outs is hindering my success! what if I'm supposed to be in school right this second and the change from that decision is key to another change on top of another change on top of another...shiz my mind is wigging out. So what motivates me? My patriarchal blessing? telling me that my education is key right now? Because that's all I have going for me..pretty much. well...sort of. My mom has been hounding me and pushing me out the door ever since I stood on her doorstep with a couch a T.V. and my dignity under my shoe about a year ago. But she's right, and she does know what's best for me, even if I don't want to hear it 99.9 percent of the time.

So, here'smy plan. Miss Orem, tho it has been fun will no longer be my get away from everything. I'm not going to use it as an excuse to get out of leaving or not doing something because its all on "HOLD". No, I will not stay if I place. But I will still keep my platform up. I enjoy promoting emergency preparedness and that is key. Now the job hunt is on again and I need to change and revamp everything in order for the decision/change program to kick start again. Am I excite? why yes, yes I am. :)