Monday, July 26, 2010

Thinking.. Pheonix; 1901

Thinking about life.
Thinking about boys.
Thinking about LOVE.
Thinking about anger.
Thinking about strife.
Thinking those times that we had.
Thinking about snow. ----when it was good OR bad.
Thinking about LOVE.
Thinking about songs.
Thinking about change.
Thinking about how my mind has rearranged.
Thinking because those songs have instilled in me---------A message..
Thinking that message is about Love.
Thinking that message is about Happiness------Sadness---Pain.
Thinking that LOVE IS THE REASON.
Thinking that YOU are the reason.
Thinking that it is YOU who inspires.
Thinking that above all and because of all of the are the reason for the inspiration.
This song in my head. this love in my head and heart. This Love in me.. This love for you.. Tho it is not much to talk about, is TRUE and PURE. and I have grown. Regardless of the outcome.

Monday, July 12, 2010

Curse of the Restaurant Server.

Does anyone really know what it means to be insane? I think it depends on the person. Therefore meaning everyone is in some way or another INSANE. Right? Einstein said that it was doing the same thing over and over again and never changing, never growing--basically being a stagnant pond. If his assumptions are correct which come on, its Einstein, than I am a nut case.

Day, after day, after day, I wake up, and go to work. Its the same place I have been going for the past three years now. I say the same thing everyday, "can I get an apron and hot pads?" I get pens, a writing pad, straws, pull my hair back and wait for some old couple to come and sit in my three designated booths. Sometimes its four, but that doesn't matter much. I serve people. If I had a nickel for every person I talked to everyday I would fill my apartment with nickels. Only now that I have been there so long it feels like every day each table I get makes my body heavier and heavier, making it harder to walk over there and say my chant, "Hi! my names Heather I will be helping you out today. Can I start you off with something to drink?". OVER AND OVER AND OVER. Its my worst nightmare.

Mexican food is no longer my favorite food. I tire of it way to quickly and yet eating it is the best and cheapest option I have. Wasting time going to another fast food restaurant would be a waste of gas, and nobody would go with me anyway so...might as well get a Chimichanga right? After three years my co-workers aren't the same. They mysteriously HAVE changed. Even the other old timers like me have done other different things in their lives. Marriage, College, Marriage. Mostly Marriage. Which is the other problem. Everyone has something new going on. Some big plan and Los Hermanos is the best place to find a spouse. Except me. My no dating Los boys policy is in full force these days. One heartbreak is enough. Not to mention the aftermath makes me sick. Day, after day of watching your ex boyfriend finagle about with another girl is beyond annoying, rude, inconsiderate, pig headed, and insensitive. So on top of my nightmare of repeating everything like its groundhogs day I have to watch that shiz, AND all the marriage/love/dating going on about. Don't get me wrong I like being single and am not looking to get married right now, But I'm BORED, and tired of all of this.

But then what do I do? Serving is all I have ever done. Therefore making it really hard to get a job elsewhere. I've been trying for months to get a normal job and I'm still getting shut down. It seems like all I can do is switch to a different serving job which wouldn't help my financial situation, but it might help my insanity level go down. I wonder if you get bonus points on the insanity scale for a change of scenery....

I have pondered ways to grow...somehow.

School is a definite MUST. But its scary and I worry that I will be digging myself into a big financial hole especially in this economy. But I have to go to school sometime and choosing one of the hardest majors means I pretty much needed to start school at the age of seventeen just to get ahead. So school is a check. Maybe that will help...if only august came sooner.
Then there is my spiritual growth. Staying in church isn't a bad thing, but not really growing isn't a good thing. So I keep thinking about the G's. When is the right time to go to the temple? I can't seem to get it off my mind. Then, like clockwork my dad brings it up to me like he was surprised I hadn't already been thinking about it or making the steps. At the same time the fact that he would even mention going through the temple to me was shocking. I have had this mental thought plastered into my brain for the longest time that my parent's have me blacklisted. I have always told myself that I am just another one of their screwed up children, so don't expect any special treatment or anything. To even think that my dad would think of me as temple worthy means a lot. Maybe that means my mom has hope too. maybe she really doesn't still think I'm a deflowered slut like she used to.

Above all else I need to spend more time with myself. I need to stop worrying about what I'm going to miss out on when it comes to money or friends and worry more about what I'm missing out on in the future. I feel like my friends are slowly disappearing and changing, and my horrible attitude isn't helping me with popularity points. But I'm too sad to even pretend to be happy when I'm working with them. So, maybe that means that NOW is the best time to segue into something different. Now is the time to move on.......

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Bottled Up Inside

Bottled up inside are the words I never said.
The feelings that I hide,
The lines you never read.
You can see it in my eyes,
Read it on my face.
Trapped are the lies of the past with memories that linger,
Won’t seem to go away.
Why can't I be happier?
Today's a brand new day.
Yesterdays are over,
Even though the hunting is not.
Nothing lasts forever,
I must cherish what I’ve got.
Don’t take my love for granted for soon it will be gone.
All you’ve ever wanted was the love you thought you’d won.
The hurt I’m feeling now won’t end over night.
But somehow, someday,
Everything will be alright.
No more wishing for the past,
It wasn’t meant to be,
Didn’t seem to last.
So I have to set you free.