Can't Fight This Feeling

Relationships. Yes that's what I feel like talking about because I have recently come to terms with my feelings towards men, men in general, life and were I think it's going, and mostly because I feel like I'm way beyond my years when it comes to relationships (I'm sure I'm not really, but for my own personal reality I'm a pro).

I've "been around the block" so to speak, in the bad sort of way. But overall going around the block turned out to be a good thing in the end. I, like a lot of girls I'm sure, tend to compare lost relationships to current relationships. Sometimes I even compare the relationships of my close Friends, how they are doing currently in terms of happiness compared to how they were with an ex that I personally witnessed.

But lately I have been comparing every guy I meet to this one particular guy. Most girls compare potentials to a past love, best friend, or their own father which is weird but sometimes they are the best comparison, unless you had a bad relationship and have/had daddy issues in which case it's the worst thing you can do. I on the other hand have an amazing dad so that wouldn't be the worst comparison...anyway.

This particular guy is not a boyfriend, ex boyfriend, or even best friend. He's just this guy. I've known him for a long time, would consider him a friend but just out of circumstance, I don't know him very well, and have had no romantic interaction with him whatsoever. Yet, I think about him every time I meet new people..men...potential dates..possible future husbands...and it's driving me crazy.

This thought, or "being" rather, is putting a damper on my dating life. But I do not take this feeling lightly. This is more of an unknowing unfinished business kind of feeling. Like I'm not finished with him somehow. There is only a significance, because This exact thing has happened before, but always with former boyfriends/fiancé's, and it doesn't go away until I cross paths with them again.

And I always do, which is why I often end up dating the same guy twice.

Let me take you into the depths of my dating life. All three of my serious relationships were revisited.

The best example is with relationship number one. He was the second guy I dated in high school. Text book high school boy meets high school girl romance. Straight from a movie. I Ended up dumping him because he was a bad kisser (enter "bobby" nickname), I ditched my friends for him which was a stupid move, and I always said I wouldn't do the serious boyfriend thing, which was only because I knew that I eventually would have done not so smart things with him had we stayed together. I went onto my senior year of high school without a boyfriend after learning my lesson twice (irony?) and didn't think about him again until right after I graduated.

I had been working at the same place all throughout high school, and was feeling like it might be time for a change, after the job began to weigh me down. But every time I thought about quitting I got this weird feeling that I shouldn't just yet because I kept thinking that "he" was going to walk into my work one day. Just show up out of nowhere. I even imagined how it would go down. He would walk into the front, and ask someone If I was there, someone would walk to the back were I would be rolling silverware and I would know instantly who they were talking about. I would then freak out a little like I was having déjà vu, walk up to the front, heart pounding, anxiously wanting to confirm what I already knew, to find him staring at me the exact same way I imagined he would.

Two months later that's exactly how it happened. (I later learned that he went to great lengths to track me down.) That moment haunted me for two months, every shift, every time I walked passed the front of the building.

That blissful reunion lead to the hardest trial of my life, and of course, he ended the relationship for the final time. I learned so many lessons, about being a good wife and companion, I learned what qualities I need in a man, and I found my own spirituality while recovering from heartbreak and loss.

Next example:

The second guy I dated in high school I Dumped, because I wasn't hanging out with friends, and I wasn't that into him (I was also 15....and Stupid).

I Dated him 4 years later.

At the time I was dating a lot, and by a lot I mean multiple people at the same time. I had taken my life down one path and was trying to figure out if things would work out better if I went down the "right" path. In retrospect I don't think there is a "right path" for everyone, but that is a different conversation.

I heard that he was back from his mission and I couldn't get him out of my mind. I kept thinking that I needed to add him as a friend on Facebook and that would allow me to strike up a conversation, take matters into my own hands.

Two days later he added ME, and struck up a conversation.

Several months and a few NOP's later (nights of passion for my not so knowing friends), I ended the relationship because again, I wasn't really that into him. But I spent every second of those months trying so hard to be into him. I did the exact opposite of what I had always done, and I learned what kind of man I wanted to be with physically, AND spiritually. I also learned how I should be treated, and how a potential in-law family could treat and should treat me. Heck I literally almost married him just because I loved his family so much.

And finally relationship number three. The double rebound that kept on rebounding. This time I didn't really think about him, rather it was fate pulling us together.

When I was going through my date every man on the planet all at the same time faze, I often went to cheesy yet distractingly satisfying social gatherings in Provo. Most of the time pool tables were involved, but I decided that one night I would branch out and go country dancing with my awesome gang of work friends.

We went early to take lessons, since I had never danced the country way before, and I was partnered up with this guy who coincidentally had also just been dumped. After a thrilling night of "Achey Breaky Heart" and a full belly of Denny's pancakes, I added him to my list of NOP's. My feelings for him stayed in my head for the next few days and I eventually dumped my other few guys for this one like minded Blondie, who seemed to be on the same page as me in all aspects of life. We dated, we made out, we went camping, it fizzled, and we kept in touch via Facebook and the random 6 month "how are you? Lets make out" text. Basically the way all rebounds go.

About a year later, I get one of those random texts from him, but this time it was a "Hey I'm roommates with your cousin. What are the chances?" Text. This is a cousin that I hadn't seen in years. So we planned a little reunion get together and the sparks were ignited once again. Of course the relationship once again fizzled.
About a year or more later, he gets a job where I work and is randomly on the sales floor one day....Aaand the sparks flew again. All three times we didn't work out, probably because both of us weren't really sure what we wanted out of life or where we were going. I figured out that I needed someone to motivate me to be BETTER in all aspects of life, not just stay the same. But I always said yes when he asked me out because I felt like I wouldn't be giving fate it's wish. I had to see it through. Especially if it was my destiny, and especially because he was the best kiss I ever had...Haha

All of my examples lead up to this. I feel as If this feeling that I have, this random friend feeling is different. Not only because I don't know him very well, or dated him, but because I feel like my past experiences were valuable lessons that have been preparing me for a big test. Not in the biblical sort of way, but in the grand "journey to find my husband!" sort of way. I have learned to recognize that connection I have with someone, and I fear that it is because I will not be given two chances to figure it out. There will be no make up test. I will get him, or I won't. My problem, is that he lives in a different state. Therefore extending my destined thoughts for at least the next year. Or, if this journey is not supposed to end with him, then maybe I will recognize it the first time around. Then at least I won't be haunted by him until fate brings us back together again. Who knows how long that could take, and I hate waiting. I will take his name with me to the grave, unless I marry him, in which case he will probably find this entertaining...or creepy. Awesome.

I also would like to point out that all three men in my examples were happily married soon after I left the picture. I will be sure to say "You're welcome" the next time I happen upon one of them.